I am a big fan of Art in all its many forms and I do believe that anything you feel passionate enough about can be art. It seems to me true art is not really found much any more and true artist are an extinct life form in our faster moving times.I think of what people refer to as artist today and feel great sadness.Doing a two-hour film in which you staple your balls doesn’t make you an artist. Pounding out such passionate music as that hit song “My Nigga, My Nigga”doesn’t make you an artist. Owning a coloring book and all 24 colors is not Art. And Trust me when I say being able to rhyme suck and fuck in a sentence does not make you Robert Frost.I will be the first to tell you that yes I believe photographers are Artist and because its easier I refer to myself as an artist instead of photographer. Do I believe I m an Artiest yes and no. Yes because I use my craft to provide a service for people and ink out a small living on that and no because my pictures maybe nice but there not going to move anyone to stop think or feel anything other than an erection. And real art makes you stop think and feel.
Out of the night that covers me,
In the fell clutch of circumstance
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
It matters not how strait the gate,
I am lost alone in the dark in my panic I reach out brushing my fingers across objects. That feel familiar against my finger tips and yet my mind has no grasp on what they could be. My nerves are on edge here as my eyes struggle to make some kind of image out of the wall of solid black surrounding me. Goose bumps stand out hard as little stones against my skin, the hair on the back of my neck standing straight as I sense a presence here in the darkness with me. I bite back a scream as I feel what I think is a hand brush the back of mine. The voices in my head cannot seem to agree as one says run,another scream, and yet another saying e urgently do not move very still now little one. Hold back your breath, still the pounding of your heart , wait patiently now let it come to you.I heard the sobs of someone else,someone lost, the sounds of someone else that was also scared of something in the dark. A kindred soul perhaps but no it couldn’t be not here in the darkness. Many things started happening at once on their side light sobs were released from deep inside someones soul and a door started to squeal open. On my side I opened my mouth to scream as two things hit me at once the light from the slowly opening door and the horror that I was the monster in the dark.
I ask for your forgiveness even tho I am not sure I really want it and I know for a fact I do not need it. I have thought about it until my head hurts. I have cried until there is not a single tear left. Then I started wondering why am I seeking your forgiveness when in fact you should be seeking mine. That thought changed me forever changing my choices in life. No longer will I seek out the forgiveness you have spent years denying me. No longer will I cry in shame and hide my head because your eyes never truly meet mine. I have asked your forgiveness begged for it. I have prayed that you will find forgiveness in your heart. I no longer ask for or expect forgiveness from you. Don’t forgive me it was never for me any way because forgiveness is for you so that you can heal and move on.Stay here in your misery alone and trying to pull the world down with you. I no longer will say I am sorry , I am no longer insecure in myself, or unsure of my needs. I am not a child in desperate need of someone to cling to in the dark. I hope your happy that you like the new me. The strength to end this desperate game came with the knowledge that I am no longer in need of your forgiveness and that its okay for me to let it go and move on without you. Thank you for the strength it took to get up off my knees, find my footing, and walk away. I am moving forward in my recovery while your still holding anger in your heart. In my weakness you gained the strength it took to break my heart and in that pain I found myself a little broken but still some what repairable. No longer that sad lost little girl forever begging for you to love me. I found me and I am going to be okay.
No longer desperately seeking your forgiveness just asking for your acceptance as I smile and walk away.
Truly Me Truly,
Honesty is very seldom found in a world where we can hide behind our computer screens at home and call that socialization.The fact that our computers make it easier to lie to not only others but to ourselves as well because here in cyber space you can be anyone you want to be. We can lie about who or what we are and never have to set across the table and look each other in the eye afterwards. Does that mean we should lie or that its even becoming socially acceptable to live behind that little white lie as long as we lie inside the main stream box. What was once not acceptable behavior has been replaced as common practice. For me that is not acceptable I believe in honesty even if I never have to look you in the eye I do have to be able to face myself in the mirror on a daily bases and do not need even the smallest of white lies haunting me there. I already face my own demons daily and do not wish to add on to that because I truly believe that lies give strength to shame. That being said I would like to say “Hi my name is Dea and I’m an Addict in recovery now but once an Addict always an Addict. If that makes me less attractive or means we can not be friends so be it. I am not ashamed of myself my life or my past. My past made me my mistakes will not be what breaks me…..
Truly Me Truly,
Someone said to me once that I don’t look like an addict. I always wondered why he just kept looking at me grinning as he said it. Did he actually believe that he was being nice flattering me? The media have set it in most Peoples mind that an addict is going to be some homeless bum covered in filth. Stinking to high heaven and missing most if not all their teeth. That they will be skinny to the point of looking like the walking dead. Hollowed eyes and a hollow head all brain cells and activity long dead due to years of drug abuse. That to be an addict is to invite death and look like your long awaiting its arrival.
That is so far from most Peoples truth. Yes, there are some addicts out there that look like that and it’s very sad. Most addicts however look like me normal or even better than normal. In order to hide and keep our secret we must appear to fit in, to be well liked, well-adjusted, and carry on a normal boring life and keeping our secret is usually very important to an addict.
My face is one of so many faces. My voice is just one of so many voices screaming to be heard amongst the crowd. My face is one of addiction, and My voice is the voice of an Addict. I am not proud of all of my choices, but I am not ashamed of who I am. My past is what made me, but I will not let my mistakes be what break me.
Truly Me Truly,
Now, Stop and really read this before you answer. I don’t want some of those generic answers we are programmed to give. I want the plain truth or more complicated truths of the matter. When you do you at your best just in your moment and feel completed. We have a life that’s similar to ours running parallel to ours in our heads. Our would I, could I,, should I moments where we rethink things play events over again in our head and change things that we feel we could have handled better. Who are you when you’re not playing the role that you have been programed to play? Who are you when you’re not basing all your thoughts, sentences, and reactions to what society will accept. What excites you not only mentally and physically but really gets those creative juices flowing. When you are in a position to put the box that your life is so neatly packed away in to the side and just simply Do you what excites you. What truly makes your life worth living?
I feel the push and pull of you under my skin. My heart is thundering thoughts of you consume me. My hands are shaking beads of sweat are popping up across my forehead. My stomach flutters. My throat is feeling so very dry. The night air feels almost cold against my fevered skin. My breathing hard and heavy. I run my tongue across parched lips. My ears are not to be trusted. Your voice seems to follow me every where. My eyes are being cruel your image is all around me this can’t possibly be true. Two little words but the most important I have ever said struggle violently inside me both needing to be said. I stop for a moment breath deep and clear my head. My eyes in to yours I reach out and take your hand. Tears on my face I ‘m not even trying to hide. My voice crumbles it cracks once said I know these words can not be taken back. So I spoke up . I spoke loud in a voice that could be heard in the very back of the crowd. Carried on the night wind I knew that you had heard them to. The look in your eyes the moment you heard me say “I do!”
Truly Me Truly,
We have replaced going out to dinner and a club with friends
with pizza delivery on speed dial and friendships brought
to you by web cam and by doing so we have changed what is socially
acceptable behavior. In place of looking people in the
eye when you spoke to them and being honest with what we had
to say We quickly brought around the generation living
by the little white lie instead of saying you’re an attendant
at the local car wash where you pull cars through while they
are being washed and return them to the owner on the other
side you now say your going to have to liquidate some of your
holdings on Friday and you will be tied up with that most
of the day but you do what you have to do because you have your
eye on that new Lexus . Some how we are all just suppose to
know that is code far I can’t call in sick again or I am
going to lose my job and I can’t afford that but hey at
least I get to set in some nice rides. Since the little white
lie went from being a big no-no to not only being socially
accepted but socially expected straight on through to being
the normal response given in today’s main stream society.
At some point it begin to change not only what we believe
to be socially acceptable but also the very foundation
of what we believe to be morally acceptable behavior. So
how much is your little main stream lie to save face really
worth to you is it worth the moral loss the respect you sacrificed.
When the truth cost so much less than the lie why would you
want to pay full retail price far the Prada of lies than loss
a little face and pull up a chair at the local McDonald’s
with the rest of us. At the end of the day I may not be eating
steak with the rest of you but fuck it at least I am eating.
So give me the unexpected I will take a Happy Meal any day
the dine on another round of your bull shit coated lies.
Truly Me Truly,
I picked a very hard road to travel. My life has never been easy and I have never been one to set still for even a moment. An Addict cannot have an idle moment or thought it is all about that next move,the next score, and when you’re going to have to re up. In my way that was actually part of the life I enjoyed. The steady flow of things,the give and take,the hustle and grind of it all. Who was looking,Who was holding,Who was talking, Who was in and out. The steady flow of information, constant background noise, The constant hum of a busy life. I loved that being in the loop of things and there is a loop trust me. The life is hard and it goes without saying you man up for what is yours in life but there was a lot of honor a lot of loyalty to it as well. We do not see ourselves as criminals or that you have anything to fear from us. We are just an extended family with a long reach and an intimate knowledge of pain. So we looked out for one another, kept up with what was going on in each others lives, and helped each other out when we could. We are also one of the most diverse groups of people we don’t see race or gender, nor do we care who is gay or straight, you see being a drug addicted is a lot for two people to have in common. It means we can relax be ourselves and not have to worry so much with hiding and keeping our secrets. Most of us are really good people with a really bad problem that is all. We work hard every day to maintain our lives and our family. Yes I have my regrets and if your life touched mine an I hurt you in some way I am truly sorry but I am not ashamed of my life or where my road has taken me. I don’t miss all of the life but some of it I do and always will. In that life your either in deep or your out and being clean means your out. I miss my family and will always love them I worry about them like any good Mother would. So all in all a bad choice, a hard road to travel, but a Hell of a Ride.
Truly Me Truly,