Letters to a Broken Home.

I wanted to curse you out,ask you what the fuck you’re thinking, tell you all the things you know I am thinking. I am better than that and I am no longer here to talk you in to doing the right thing that’s not my job anymore  you made your choices.So this is what I am going to do. I m gonna tell our kids their daddy is a good man even when they don’t agree. I am going to bring up all those old memories times when we all played and laughed . I am going to remind them of you and better times for you before you became this man.  I am going to pray for you to find peace in your soul. I could use this time to do you exactly the way you did me to put you down and keep you down when you so badly need a hand and some help up. I cannot do that never could. I will not let you or others chose who I am your actions will not play a part in my reactions. You deserve no loyalty, no friendship from me and I am the last place you should ever look for pity because I have none for you or myself. I am a good person with everything I have been through I can still hold on to that and hold on to who I am. I never tried to take anything from you or our kids and it would be nothing short of a sin to try to do so now. You took me from them out of anger, hurt, and your own pride.This is how I am going to repay your sins. I am no longer angry, You are not responsible for my hurt. I have no pride in my actions of the past. I will take pride in my actions from today forward.  I will forgive you and tell my kids their daddy is a good man. Get yourself together do you know how much you have hurt them no one is worth this  no woman is worth your blood . Make the right choices for yourself and for our kids get help. Put yourself and our kids first while there still time on this earth to fix your wrongs.
                                                          Dea
Posted in Reflections of the life...

Man vs. Beast

I know longer want to be top of the food chain. I take no pride in the kill or be killed mentality that suppose to make mankind stand above all others.It is not our honor ,pride,or loyalty that make us stand out its our cruelty,heartlessness,and even our pity. A dog will bite you to protect its self ,its home ,its food, its young, or out of fear but if you step away from thing the dog values your nothing. Not even a funny smell that passes on the breeze we are nothing. A human will walk across town just to take what is yours.A human will love you but not want you.A human will keep you around out of pity and in that false kindness damage you more.A human will seek you out with a lie when no word need have even be said.Top of the food chain and you take pride in that ,.Not I. Let me be the first to tell you I would rather lay down with dogs .I may wake up with fleas but fleas want kill me another Knife to the back, wound to the soul, or showing of your cruel pity will.So buy me a flea collar and pass the anti-itch cream I am a dog.I m a Bitch but stay away from what I value because I bite.
Posted in Reflections of the life...

Voices..

In a high-speed world with communication at its peak a message from New York to Japan and back again less than ten seconds.With your Facebook,Snapchat,and your instagrams making it so easy to spread your messages on a Global level.Anyone of us at anytime could take to our soap boxes and never even get out of our beds. Freedom of speech,Freedom of thought,separation of Church and State,and a wealth of knowledge at our very finger tips.Yet the world around us goes quiet not a single voice is fighting to be heard. People no longer have the courage of their convictions they are no longer willing to put not only a voice but a face to their cause. No longer will they stand toe to toe debating many passionate issue. We have become cowards of our time hiding behind the written word.How did we go down hill so quickly.Is it possible that in such a short time we as a nation have gone from a passionate voice shouting out to be heard above the crowd to complete radio silence to be heard around the world.How did our Martin Luther Kings “I have a Dream.’ become drowned out by silence or replaced by “You are not the Father.”History shows us in the past we fought to be heard and Now Sunday mornings service is being text in,from the first pew by our Pastor on his brand new Iphone. It saddens me greatly to see something we fought so hard for be given away so easily. Keep your voices silent let your keyboards do your talking.We can all hide behind our Facebook page a photographic plastic smile and some quick wit sarcastic remark beside the face of our latest Star. Or,we can take to our soapbox once again. Use the rights so many men gave their lives for and once again become a nation of leaders. My America was never meant to become the land of the greedy and it was not built from the blood,sweat,and tears of the followers.Stand up, take your rights back be a Voice not an Echo.

Posted in Reflections of the life...

Reflections of a Broken Heart..

You have never been easy on me not knowing when to let up not understanding there is only so much anyone person can take.Your words the hardest I have ever had to hear. It saddens me that when we talk your eyes never meet mine is that something I have done or are you hiding your own shame.You can talk to me about anything nothing you say will ever make me give up on you.Yell at me curse me out some how it will all come out.Tell me you hate me and all the ways I have let you down. I failed you in more ways than I can count how will you ever believe I truly love you when I have always let you down.You are forever burned in to my heart I will always be your biggest fan your constant support even as I feel those words you said ripping out my heart. I know this is no simple battle that it will be a full-blown war to get through to you and there is a chance you will never accept me back in to your heart.I want you to know that I am here for you I came prepared for war today I will never give up the fight.I have never walked away from you and I am not about to start.I will stand here and take every word you have to say to me it will carry me to my grave.The harshness of the words you have used has been slowly tearing me apart.I wish you knew how much pain I carry and that I am so ashamed that it’s nearly killed me every moment we were apart.I will forever try to win your even  tho I have my doubts that I ever will.We cannot keep living in the past rehearsing all this pain I cannot change your past ,erase your tears, or end the pain you feel. I cannot undo all the damages to your young and tender heart. I will love you for eternity and I will carry this pain until my dying day but I want give up on you.Please forgive me Son I am hurting to I need you in my life to mend this battered soul…….Confessions of a Bad Mother……………Reflections of a broken heart….

Posted in Reflections of the life...

Advice to the blameless

You who calls me Bitch.worthless,a dope whore.The Father of my child,the king of all lies.A little boy playing a very real mans game.Where will you hide when there is no one else to blame.You who calls me a bad Mom and tells my children there unwanted. Look in the mirror, do you like what you see. I wonder does it hurt you knowing he still thinks of me. Respect is earned not freely given time to stop riding Daddy’s coat tails and make your own way in this big bad world. You who calls me filth,unclean,a drug addict. Chose your words carefully and your audience wisely while your speaking of me.Tell me have you thought this through are you prepared to have the light your casting pointed back at you.I am a big girl I own what is mine your colors will show its just a matter of time.Bitch it is true,worthless,dope whore I laugh I have slept with many people the only one I am ashamed of is you.A bad Mom you say sadly it is true I have left my kids with the likes of you.Filth,unclean,a drug addict.I am not thrash,my intentions are pure,my addiction no secret can you say the same about yours. Keep talking all of you and we will see this game out.You know what they say about people living in a glass house.

Posted in Reflections of the life...

Flawed yet Forgiven…………

I lay down with demons yet I wonder why I cannot seem to sleep.I am a fraud, a liar, I am  a lost little girl  alone and afraid of what the darkness holds. I am in Hell,I keep the company of demons. I struggle for acceptance in a world that welcomes everyone but accepts no one.My life a hopeless one, My sleep dreamless. My cold heart lay broken and empty in my chest. There is a hunger in me that no food will ease, I thirst yet no water will ease my burning throat. I cry for myself and for those who are like me and the tears burn my skin like acid. There are days where I am sure I hear the Devil’s laughter ringing through my head. My Sins are countless, My prayers nothing but empty promises. As I continue to walk the path of the Damned. I am lost for words to explain it knowing I brought this hell on myself. I was out courting demons while they were home in their beds. I am to wander the world  of the damned with addiction clawing at whats left of my soul. I wear the scars of a selfish existence upon my body. I have romanced death and lacked the courage of my convictions to scared to loss my soul . I have dined at the Devil’s table, we talked and laughed as if we were old friends. I have hurt those I claim to love and loved those who were not rightfully mine to love. I have had my heart-broken and caused others hearts to bleed. I stand before you humbled stripped bare with my Sins naked and laid out before you. My head bowed in shame awaiting my judgment day. Let all those who have Sinned stand here beside me. Let those who have never tasted of the Devil’s wine gather stones. Let it be known that I am a Sinner flawed and broken that my presence here is a disgrace to my Fathers home. Let those who have in vain attempted to pass their judgment on me hear my plea before punishment is read. I am guilty but unburdened by the heavy weight of my Sins here lies my confession. I have laid it at the  feet of my Father and have found the forgiveness I seek. Today I made my Father proud…… Reflections of my Addiction…………Confessions of a humble Sinner…..Loved beyond all your perfection…………Flawed yet Forgiven……….I am my Father’s child.

Truly Me Truly,

Dea

Continue reading “Flawed yet Forgiven…………”

Posted in Reflections of the life...

Reflections of my crystal prison…

Was it the way the light fell across that crystal clear glass or a trick of my mind lost some where in the past. For the briefest of moments by the light of a single flame time slipped away from me as if these long years were nothing but dreams. A reflection of us in what must have been a lover’s embrace our bodies burning together like smoke we began to rise. I felt my lungs expand as if I were taking it all inside me when I could no longer hold on I exhaled letting it all go.My heart seemed to harden,to shatter,and crack looking in to that glass at reflections of the past. My hands seemed damp as I pressed them against my trembling lips as if to catch that memory of our last kiss. In that crystal prison trapped in those  memories I started to cry. So much shame we should have shared my lost love and I. Caught up in that moment my need for you came crashing in on me a thirst so strong demanding one last drink of your forbidden wine. I had moved on started a new life,I was making new memories,I had laid yours to rest.I was seeking momentary pleasures while you were hearing til death do you part. What then I am afraid to even ask because Heaven will not have us and Hell may not be deep enough to keep us.

Truly Me Truly,

Dea